Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
Just got a Keychron Q5 Pro and love it. It and the Zoom98 were the only two that had layouts that would really work out for me (wanted a 96%/98%) since I need a numpad and wanted a volume knob instead of just media keys.