Ready to kill myself.

I’m tired of struggling everyday for shit that doesn’t seem to matter in a world that is on fire with people who hate me.

Unfortunately I cannot afford it or leave the house to even buy it in the first place. Walking is essentially out. It feels like my foot is going to pop it’s so swollen.

Ready to jump off of a fucking cliff.

• Last week, Roommate loses extraordinary amount of money to a scammer. We ended up behind on rent and were served an eviction notice. Dealing with a rent bank now.

• Last week is also my 31st birthday and I end up having a gout flare up. Because you know. That’s fun. I usually have to walk with a cane because of a worthless knee but now I get to add a worthless foot on the other leg so yay.

• Couldn’t afford food or medication or really anything. Not as much of a problem at the moment but the stress still exists and having to plan for next month when the same situation is likely going to happen.

• This morning I got off the toilet and put pressure on the wrong part of my foot. Instant agony and I shift balance to the other foot but it’s not in a position to support my weight. Grab for something to steady myself and all I grab is the toilet seat which gets part of it ripped off of the toilet. So now I have to buy a fucking toilet seat as well. I am hobbling right now. It takes me 30 seconds to move to the bathroom which is next door to my bedroom. Normally that’s like… 3 seconds. So god knows when i’ll be able to go out and get a toilet seat. So that’s gonna end up with me positioned weirdly for the next week until this dies down.

• New chest pain that is not fun and god knows what the fuck is happening there but I can’t see a doctor about it anytime soon. It’s not 911 level of emergency. It’s more of a nagging thing that comes and goes and feels muscular but still.

• What is scary is heart has been doing a thing. Beating it’s own samba every now and again.

• I wrote myself into a corner with my DnD campaign and now I don’t know what the fuck to do. We have a session tonight which will be finishing up a oneshot from before but still. I don’t know what i’m gonna do and I can’t think straight.

Please someone put me out of my misery.

See this confuses the hell out of me. I’ve NEVER been prevented from using ChatGPT by a queue. It’s always saying that it’s a downside to not paying for it but seems like I just always choose the times that no one is using it.

I’m a DM using ChatGPT to help me build things for my DnD campaign/world and not telling my players. Does that count? I still do most of the heavy lifting but it’s nice to be able to brainstorm and get ideas bounced back. I don’t exactly have friends to do that with.

I’ma be real, it’s a mixed bag. A lot of things have gone drastically wrong, even one going so far as to make me unable to walk. Yet I’ve had like two things that shocked me and made life slightly more tolerable.

Mostly I just want a hug. Was my birthday a couple days ago and I realized it’d been 13 years since I’ve had a hug. Broke me a little.

I’m a major Star Trek fan so for me it’s been that aliens would show up and we’d get our shit together.

Oh I know. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so depressing to bother to keep going. If those who are supposed to help and protect decide not to then whats the point?

Honestly I don’t care if I’m a good or a bad person anymore. I used to. I used to be good all the time for everyone but it got me nowhere. I know I’m a shitty person now but I don’t really care. No one cared about me before. Why would it matter if they suddenly cared now when they got their feelings hurt.

As for something left in the tank, nope. Tanks out of fuel. Car is running on either fumes or momentum and I won’t know until this downhill slope tapers off.

The world wouldn’t notice if I died. No, the world isn’t better with me here. Especially when I’m not a good person.

I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to ‘enjoy’ something. Don’t think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn’t care less what it is that I’m doing or watching. Only as long as it works.

As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won’t break. I don’t want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to have to find out that I’m strong. Why can’t I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it’s only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?

Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn’t living though. I’ve tried to end my own life and I’m too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.

I’ve been trying. For years. There isn’t any left. Sometimes I think I’m only alive because I’m hoping that Star Trek might come true spontaneously. That I’ll wake up one day in a world that has problems, but where the problems are solved collectively. That I’m not discarded and left to suffer and rot until I die.