KingJalopy

Half and half is only fair. Trick or treat

Wow, you had flour at your house? Who’s the capitalist pig now? Must’ve been nice eating bread.

I tried to tell this to some kid at my child’s school’s trunk or treat the other day he said, “sorry all I have is a pillowcase” and I said dude that’s the way to rock it. You can fit way more candy in it. Plus you can sneak some in your room by stuffing your pillow in there. I never used a bucket as a kid. I always used the pillowcase.

Now that I think about it we were also really poor…

Black licorice

Straight from bored panda after they stole it from reddit. This meme has legs!

all ways

This is the adult, “takes one to know one”

Who the hell is telling you that? I’ve been using moisturizers forever. People often ask my age then don’t believe it and I’m like lotion dude. Everyday. Care for your skin. Never been told I couldn’t.

Nice

Poofing too much cocaine can be a bad thing

That was my intro to Vonnegut and I rather enjoyed it. Enough to read more from him which is when I realized it wasn’t a great book.

You should see the movie. It stars nic cage and he did it as a favor to a friend. It’s fucking awful. funny thing though, my story is identical to yours. Had no idea until it was too late lol.

We are all American on this blessed day

Today is kind of a not very blessed day at least in America

Mom divorced my abusive alcoholic father and married a man from England. I was 14 but she figured I had the maturity to know it would be ok if I stayed with him instead of moving to England with her and my brother. I was angry at her because I was 14 and dumb. She left me in the US and gave me no end of guilt for making my choice once a grew up a bit and realized I made a mistake. Once she and her husband moved back to Oklahoma I took a position in California and now I’m guilted for that at the age of 42 because she can’t see my daughter whom she never bothered to spend anytime with anyway because of her constant depression about having married another different kind of abusive man.

I was alive in the 80s and 90s. I prefer now. I’m nostalgic for those times but I don’t prefer them.

I’m sitting in my air conditioned house, watching not one, but 2 HD screens, one of which is playing cheers because I love that show and I can watch it all I want anytime I want. The other is my phone which is a absolute miracle of human achievement allowing me access to the sum of the worlds knowledge which I’m currently using to look at funny shit that amuses me. Also I didn’t move a finger to say any of that. I just said it and it typed it for me, correcting most of my mistakes. And you, who are reading this, might be literally anywhere on this planet right now. I also used my phone to order my food which was promptly brought to my home for my enjoyment.

The world certainly has a lot of shit aspects but on the whole, we are living in amazing times right now for those of us fortunate enough to be in a safe country.

It might seem difficult, but it’s never too late to go back to school as a 40 year old in your underwear! We believe you in you! Even if you don’t make it I’ll bet you end up with some kind of certificate or cool title…

I’m sure the water put it out.

Looks like it can run doom