And both guards fell asleep simultaneously. And no inmate had successfully committed suicide in that facility in over 20 years. And…

Meanwhile, the economy rich people’s yacht money is doing fantastic by every metric.

How dare anyone impugn the integrity of Weedlord Bonerhitler69? The man stands as a colossus of virtue.

Silly us. We made a few wrong turns, and now here we are in Ukraine. I guess this place is as good as any to test all these shiny new weapons.

Time to add “a new schism in the Catholic Church” to the end of days bingo card.

The horn plays the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

A real human bean, and a real… hero.

Holiday special: Make one campaign contribution at a fixed amount, get two more campaign contributions made on your credit card in variable amounts in the near future. Merry Christmas!

When he steps down from the Ukrainian presidency, Zelenskyy should be named Secretary General of NATO. After Ukraine joins, of course.

Thought theft affects thousands of employers every day. They’re not paying you to figure out who’s going to find your body after you kill yourself. They’re paying you to work!

I tied a ROFLcopter to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to make a shitpost cost a cheeseburger, and in those days, cheeseburgers came with pictures of cats on 'em. “I can has cheezburger,” you’d say.

“Tell President Zuckerberg my only regret is that I have but one life to give to block his ads.”

That’s why I start off every date by throwing a chair across the room and screaming at a random stranger.

If you can’t handle me at my rude and unreasonable chicken, you don’t deserve my strange juice.

Terrible parenting. If you’re going to go to the trouble of yeeting your baby at least do it properly with a baby trebuchet.

What is dead may never die!

They must be protected from Admiral Zhao!

Primal scream therapy. Great for keeping you awake. Plus it keeps terrified coworkers from bothering you at all ever.

Hamas has amassed a formidable rocket arsenal since Israeli soldiers last entered Gaza in 2014. It has also built hundreds of kilometres of tunnels, nicknamed the “Gaza Metro”, to move fighters and weapons around undetected, and trained for urban combat.

It’s going to be Vietnam-style guerilla warfare in an urban area. Pop out of the tunnels, attack from the shadows, then disappear back into the tunnels.

I remember someone telling me to look at the driver to be reminded it’s a person and not a machine. Honestly, that makes it several orders of magnitude worse. It’s not a car going 20 under in the passing lane during rush hour, it’s a flesh and blood human being causing the car to go 20 under in the passing lane. It’s a choice being made by a human. That’s so, so much worse.